I'm drowning.
Drowning in a sea of chaos and mayhem. My world enveloped with a magnificent ocean of drama...the tide swelling in confusion and a slight despair. No one understands the pain that exists within. The epic amount of distorted rhythms - fluctuating through my very being.
My mind struggles constantly with fear and angst and pain. My body swaying between pain, pain, and more pain. Diagnosis of acute panic disorder coupled with serious anxiety disorder holds little comfort of any sort of normalcy. Let's just add in PTSD and some of that fibromyalgia. Break the tail bone falling down the stairs trying not to be late for work one night and a few months later... get fired from the same job for basically a typo.
Forward a few months and the fellow you've been seeing for a year and a half... doesn't 'love you the same way you love him'. As much as I've tried to let each of these things go...the collective of these things - is just too overwhelming.
Do I give up....can I? Never. I press forward. It's difficult sometimes. Seemingly impossible at others. But still...I put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.
Options. I need options. I'd prefer good options... but at this point - ANY will do.
I started to see a lady...she's a counselor. Never wanted to think I had to do 'that'...see someone. I always thought it sounded like someone was weak that had to do that. Or crazy, nuts, etc. I didn't look down on anyone who was seeing anyone - but me...? Not me. I didn't need that. I was stronger than that. Better than that. What would people think? Who cares! I'm tired of caring! The point is...I need help. Or do I? It sends I can't even stay focused enough to make a decision about my health - mental or not.
Crying daily, however, brought me to the realization...that I couldn't do this alone. That's all I felt like - alone. No one to understand, no one to be compassionate, no one to encourage me, no one to hold me... no one to just be there. So I cry, and cry, and cry some more. I often try to hide my tears. I keep thinking this will help me to be stronger - but it only causes the reality to set in harder. Bringing an added stress that I just can't endure any longer. I'm dying inside. Dying more and more.
I told my counselor, after a long week of constant panic attacks and uncontrollable crying, you have to fix this! Her response...calm, and so much more collected than my exasperated plea..."I can't teach you the backstroke if you're drowning".
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No amount of empty lines could ever give enough time to reflect on the complexity of that statement. At least for me. My retort was... then can you at least throw me a life preserver?!?
I'm in need of a rescue. Someone to save me from my pain. Someone to save me from the chaos. Someone to save me from my lonliness. Someone to save me...maybe from myself. I think I've been looking in all the wrong places. Relationships, medicines, workaholic tendencies... but I've missed the point of it all.
There already IS a rescuer. Someone to save me from all of those things...even, and maybe especially, from myself. He came without me even asking. He came even thou I didn't know that he's the one I needed. He came even tho I sometimes doubt he even cares. He came tho I'm one of those who caused Him excruciating pain. He came even tho I wasn't worthy. He came even tho I don't even like myself.
Yet...He loves me.
My rescuer, my savior, my refuge, my healer, my redeemer, my lord, my friend, my confidant, my king, my light, my passion, my lover, my path, my dream giver, my everything.
I'm drowning Lord. And YOU walk on water. I'm dying. But YOU Lord bring life! I'm lost. But Lord... You've found me! I've been blind. Lord - You cause my eyes to open wide to the beauty around me. My heart became hardened. Lord - Your love not only cleared the darkness from it, but softened the edges and continue to knead it into a moldable chasm of potential. I need You. I'm begging You. I'm pleading with you. I'm crying out to YOU!
RESCUE me.
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