Wednesday, December 9, 2015
FOG
Long ago there was a movie called 'The Fog'. An old black and white movie - a thriller. At least for that time. The fog would mysteriously drift in and somehow consume the towns folk. I think that's how it went... so long ago that I saw it... maybe I'm in a fog of my own of sorts.
I find that happens a lot. In me, and in others. Foggy memory, foggy thinking.
I feel sometimes I live in a fog.
A fog that seems to devour me. Steal me away.
In nature, a fog often lies in low lying areas first. If the air is real dense and the temperatures just right and the moisture in the air is just so...fog can completely cover areas so that visability is almost zero. Traffic comes to a halt or slow crawl. People make funny references like 'fog is as thick as pea soup', 'fog so thick you can cut it with a knife', etc.
Even in the low lying area fog - the little fragments of frustration and junk that are there just to irritate us and keep us from seeing things clearly. Sometimes it can even appear to be pretty as you gaze on it from a distance. As it gains momentum or you get closer to it. .. you truly see the chaos that it contains.
It's hard to navigate through the fog... even if you are very familiar with the area. You have to slow down... focus more intently... use greater caution.
I think that is how it is in life sometimes. A fog slips in... before you know it, you might be turned around or not sure where you are. Fear of running into things or what may come at you that you are straining to see.
Like the enemy doing a sneak attack. Lose your job or someone you care for dies or a relationship that you thought was going so well... simply fails with no warning.
The enemy sure would like us to stay in a fog wouldn't he! Well... I'm getting a little tired of that fog. I'm praying for a nice gust of wind to blow that fog on out of these valleys I've been struggling in. I'm seeking clear skies and warm rays from the sun to fall on these weary shoulders.
How do I make that happen? CAN I make it happen?
Proverbs 3:6 says 'In all ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
In the big things and in the little things. Acknowledge Him. In the good things and in the bad things. Acknowledge Him. In the things you understand and in the things you can't understand. Acknowledge Him. In your meekness and in your boldness. Acknowledge Him. In your richness and in your poverty. Acknowledge Him. In your work and in your play. Acknowledge Him.
The fog doesn't stay forever. Just like the storms. The season will change. The Lord gives us direction in the Bible. We need to read it! The Lord gives us drive in our spirit... we need to listen. God has the answers waiting for us, we need to ask.
The Word tells us to pray without ceasing. What does that mean? Praying with God is just like having a conversation with our friend. It may take getting used to. The more you do it - the easier it becomes. Like a muscle memory that occurs when an athlete works and practices. We get more at ease as we practice. As we talk to the Lord more, we start to recognize His voice. Even if the enemy comes to tell us something and tries to disguise his voice as our Lords...we will recognize the lie.
In Job 5:19 it says 'He shall deliver thee in six troubles; yea, in seven there shall no evil touch thee.
Life can throw us some serious curve balls! No one I've ever known hasn't gone through something. Most have been through a lot! I know they say God won't give you more than you can handle. My daughter says that God must think I'm a bad-ass then. .. cause I've been thru some stuff! (sorry for the language) Then there's the phrase... what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I never knew living through some of this stuff could make you stronger... feels like the opposite. But, alas...I must stay strong. God has a plan and I need to be ready to fulfill the plan He has for me. As best as I can I will worship my way thru every moment that I can!
Yea, tho I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For tho art with me. Thy rod and staff they comfort me. Tho preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Thou anointed my head with oil. My cup runneth over. Surely goodness and loving kindness shall follow me all the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever!
So my hope lies in Christ. For He shall be my refuge. Through every storm and even in the fog.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Rescue
I'm drowning.
Drowning in a sea of chaos and mayhem. My world enveloped with a magnificent ocean of drama...the tide swelling in confusion and a slight despair. No one understands the pain that exists within. The epic amount of distorted rhythms - fluctuating through my very being.
My mind struggles constantly with fear and angst and pain. My body swaying between pain, pain, and more pain. Diagnosis of acute panic disorder coupled with serious anxiety disorder holds little comfort of any sort of normalcy. Let's just add in PTSD and some of that fibromyalgia. Break the tail bone falling down the stairs trying not to be late for work one night and a few months later... get fired from the same job for basically a typo.
Forward a few months and the fellow you've been seeing for a year and a half... doesn't 'love you the same way you love him'. As much as I've tried to let each of these things go...the collective of these things - is just too overwhelming.
Do I give up....can I? Never. I press forward. It's difficult sometimes. Seemingly impossible at others. But still...I put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.
Options. I need options. I'd prefer good options... but at this point - ANY will do.
I started to see a lady...she's a counselor. Never wanted to think I had to do 'that'...see someone. I always thought it sounded like someone was weak that had to do that. Or crazy, nuts, etc. I didn't look down on anyone who was seeing anyone - but me...? Not me. I didn't need that. I was stronger than that. Better than that. What would people think? Who cares! I'm tired of caring! The point is...I need help. Or do I? It sends I can't even stay focused enough to make a decision about my health - mental or not.
Crying daily, however, brought me to the realization...that I couldn't do this alone. That's all I felt like - alone. No one to understand, no one to be compassionate, no one to encourage me, no one to hold me... no one to just be there. So I cry, and cry, and cry some more. I often try to hide my tears. I keep thinking this will help me to be stronger - but it only causes the reality to set in harder. Bringing an added stress that I just can't endure any longer. I'm dying inside. Dying more and more.
I told my counselor, after a long week of constant panic attacks and uncontrollable crying, you have to fix this! Her response...calm, and so much more collected than my exasperated plea..."I can't teach you the backstroke if you're drowning".
---
---
---
---
No amount of empty lines could ever give enough time to reflect on the complexity of that statement. At least for me. My retort was... then can you at least throw me a life preserver?!?
I'm in need of a rescue. Someone to save me from my pain. Someone to save me from the chaos. Someone to save me from my lonliness. Someone to save me...maybe from myself. I think I've been looking in all the wrong places. Relationships, medicines, workaholic tendencies... but I've missed the point of it all.
There already IS a rescuer. Someone to save me from all of those things...even, and maybe especially, from myself. He came without me even asking. He came even thou I didn't know that he's the one I needed. He came even tho I sometimes doubt he even cares. He came tho I'm one of those who caused Him excruciating pain. He came even tho I wasn't worthy. He came even tho I don't even like myself.
Yet...He loves me.
My rescuer, my savior, my refuge, my healer, my redeemer, my lord, my friend, my confidant, my king, my light, my passion, my lover, my path, my dream giver, my everything.
I'm drowning Lord. And YOU walk on water. I'm dying. But YOU Lord bring life! I'm lost. But Lord... You've found me! I've been blind. Lord - You cause my eyes to open wide to the beauty around me. My heart became hardened. Lord - Your love not only cleared the darkness from it, but softened the edges and continue to knead it into a moldable chasm of potential. I need You. I'm begging You. I'm pleading with you. I'm crying out to YOU!
RESCUE me.
Drowning in a sea of chaos and mayhem. My world enveloped with a magnificent ocean of drama...the tide swelling in confusion and a slight despair. No one understands the pain that exists within. The epic amount of distorted rhythms - fluctuating through my very being.
My mind struggles constantly with fear and angst and pain. My body swaying between pain, pain, and more pain. Diagnosis of acute panic disorder coupled with serious anxiety disorder holds little comfort of any sort of normalcy. Let's just add in PTSD and some of that fibromyalgia. Break the tail bone falling down the stairs trying not to be late for work one night and a few months later... get fired from the same job for basically a typo.
Forward a few months and the fellow you've been seeing for a year and a half... doesn't 'love you the same way you love him'. As much as I've tried to let each of these things go...the collective of these things - is just too overwhelming.
Do I give up....can I? Never. I press forward. It's difficult sometimes. Seemingly impossible at others. But still...I put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.
Options. I need options. I'd prefer good options... but at this point - ANY will do.
I started to see a lady...she's a counselor. Never wanted to think I had to do 'that'...see someone. I always thought it sounded like someone was weak that had to do that. Or crazy, nuts, etc. I didn't look down on anyone who was seeing anyone - but me...? Not me. I didn't need that. I was stronger than that. Better than that. What would people think? Who cares! I'm tired of caring! The point is...I need help. Or do I? It sends I can't even stay focused enough to make a decision about my health - mental or not.
Crying daily, however, brought me to the realization...that I couldn't do this alone. That's all I felt like - alone. No one to understand, no one to be compassionate, no one to encourage me, no one to hold me... no one to just be there. So I cry, and cry, and cry some more. I often try to hide my tears. I keep thinking this will help me to be stronger - but it only causes the reality to set in harder. Bringing an added stress that I just can't endure any longer. I'm dying inside. Dying more and more.
I told my counselor, after a long week of constant panic attacks and uncontrollable crying, you have to fix this! Her response...calm, and so much more collected than my exasperated plea..."I can't teach you the backstroke if you're drowning".
---
---
---
---
No amount of empty lines could ever give enough time to reflect on the complexity of that statement. At least for me. My retort was... then can you at least throw me a life preserver?!?
I'm in need of a rescue. Someone to save me from my pain. Someone to save me from the chaos. Someone to save me from my lonliness. Someone to save me...maybe from myself. I think I've been looking in all the wrong places. Relationships, medicines, workaholic tendencies... but I've missed the point of it all.
There already IS a rescuer. Someone to save me from all of those things...even, and maybe especially, from myself. He came without me even asking. He came even thou I didn't know that he's the one I needed. He came even tho I sometimes doubt he even cares. He came tho I'm one of those who caused Him excruciating pain. He came even tho I wasn't worthy. He came even tho I don't even like myself.
Yet...He loves me.
My rescuer, my savior, my refuge, my healer, my redeemer, my lord, my friend, my confidant, my king, my light, my passion, my lover, my path, my dream giver, my everything.
I'm drowning Lord. And YOU walk on water. I'm dying. But YOU Lord bring life! I'm lost. But Lord... You've found me! I've been blind. Lord - You cause my eyes to open wide to the beauty around me. My heart became hardened. Lord - Your love not only cleared the darkness from it, but softened the edges and continue to knead it into a moldable chasm of potential. I need You. I'm begging You. I'm pleading with you. I'm crying out to YOU!
RESCUE me.
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