Let It Go!

I don't know anyone who has actually gotten everything in life that they planned on.

Most girls dream about their wedding, their little country house with the white picket fence...their knight in shining armor and their 2.5 children.   Dog in the fenced-in yard.   Spotless house and pristine kitchen with the aroma of cookies at all times. Rose bushes lining the perfectly paved driveway where your husband drives up every weekday after work - briefcase in hand as you meet him at the door with his daily newspaper and house slippers.   Beautiful dinner coming piping hot out of the oven to a meticulously set dinner table.  The classical 'Leave It To Beaver' model of every day family life.

Or whatever.

I'm not saying that my dream was to be the above woman.   I'm more of a pioneering type person.   Farming and country life...but the husband and family - those I wanted.  Those I felt destined to have.   I really wanted a large family.   Lots of children.   I thought of even fostering and/or adopting as well.

My dream didn't come true.  At least not yet.

I did actually get married.  To a man I thought would give me all those things I felt would make a perfect home.   He was in ministry - on staff actually with a Christian Men's Recovery Outreach.  I met him when he brought a group of the guys into the gas station/convenience store I had been working at down the road from the facility where they all lived.  They would come in once a week or so to get "treats"... usually a candy bar and a beverage.  After a couple months he started coming in on his own too.   He'd stay a couple hours talking in between customers etc.  Then we started dating.  I was going through a lot of "stuff" already with being a single mother and trying to raise my daughter on a meager income.

One thing led to another.  I would say 'unfortunately' when I start taking about the next part... but that would mean that I regret what the outcome was and ultimately.... I'm not.   I became pregnant with my second daughter.   I've been thru this part before.   I was ashamed and angry with myself for allowing the situation to become what it was.   I didn't want to bring another child into the world without being married.  I wanted to make this right.   I needed to make this right.   Confirmation came of this line of thinking when one of my pastors walking by me after church and casually stated in passing that I "need to make this right".  I went to his house and after about 2 hours of knocking on his door he finally answered.   We talked and I told him we needed to get married.   We had to make this right.   He told me several times over the next couple years that he wished he'd never opened the door for me that day.

One month from that 2 hour knocking chaos and five months pregnant; with friends and family.... we exchanged vows and began our life together.   He told me I was more into the idea of being married than I was into being married to him.   I never understood why he would say that.   I cooked, I cleaned, we were doing well financially.  I supported him, I encouraged him, I worked 3 jobs when he decided to stop working,  I helped him manage all his medications, I endured a marriage lacking in any type of intimacy, I talked him out of ending his life - several times, I begged him to come home every time he decided to leave us again...all of this for 17 years.  I am a dedicated and committed person.   When I took that vow. ..I meant it.   I promised not only him, my attendees at the wedding and myself. .. but God too that I would stay married til death did us part.

Then a day came when I was forced to go back on my word and file for divorce.   I first had to prosecute my husband for abusing my children.   My children suffered great mental and emotional detriment at his hands.   So while I was working 12-16 hours a day.... sometimes 7 days a week.... he was home abusing my children, physically as well as other ways which I just can't bring my fingers to type the words thru the tears that I am still shedding over it.

So...ultimately...I had to make the decision in regards to my marriage...to let it go.

Tho the piece of paper has been signed by the judge and by both our hands... it still weighs heavy on my heart to this day.

After 14+ years at my job.... my career...what had become my life - I was fired this year.

A typo ultimately signed my pink slip.  So... again, with a family of coworkers being left behind and my income stripped from my family...I had to walk away (albeit not by my own free will)...but ultimately I had to let it go.

Recently I've been in a relationship with an amazing man who I came to love.   Not just love him... but his adult children and his grandchildren as well. ..and they - me.

I had free reign of his house which I cleaned and did some decorating, gardening, raised chickens, supporting him, encouraging him,  and on and on.  I figured after a year and a half. .. we were probably heading towards spending the rest of our lives together.

Two days ago when talking about a coat rack I was designing for the entranceway with his daughter-in-law... she advised me that when I had been gone for the weekend...he had another woman join them when they all went out to eat.  She further told me that he advised them (daughter-in-law and son) that he didn't love me the same way I loved him.

What....?

WHAT...?

I began to cry and rack my brain as to what I missed that I didn't see this coming.   He calls my mom - mom.  He kisses me everyday before leaving for work.   We constantly text back and forth.... usually he texts first.  We laugh together.   We've been cutting wood together.   We've been talking about future endeavors together.   Talked about taking cruises.   I didn't....couldn't understand.   I started to grab my stuff and throw it in my van.   He was outside working and I didn't want the confrontation.... so I was quiet and tried not to let him see me cry.   I was in the back of my truck trying to rearrange things so I could fit more in when he showed up at the tail gate.

Apparently his daughter-in-law told him that she told me about him not loving me like I loved him.... not sure what all she told him that I knew at this point.   He asked for me to come talk to him.   I just collapsed in the truck on a box and started weeping.   He climbed into the truck and held me as he told me he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose.   He told me he didn't know what the future holds but he didn't want me to leave.   He WANTED me there.   Just because we didn't love each other the same way - didn't mean that he didn't love me and, again, we didn't know what the future held.

I'm really over being hurt.   Being walked on.   Being used.   My life has been full of this chaos and I'm not sure what purpose there is in it... but I'm getting pretty exhausted.

The real God starts something new in your life with a blessing and conviction.   The imposter god starts something new in your life with a crisis and disaster.

Satan comes to kill.  To steal.  To destroy.  The enemy seeks to destroy any bit of love from our lives and replace it with pain and agony.   Don't I know it!

How can I allow ANYONE to steal my joy?

I think of the biblical man Job.  He certainly went thru his fair share of pain.   More than his fair share to tell you the truth.   God allowed the enemy to take his land his family and even touch his flesh with painful boils.   And still...Job worshiped God and would not curse him.

He certainly asked why.   He probably got pretty aggravated.   Frustrated even.   God understands that.   He made us.... He knows us... I'm sure He even may expect our painful inquiries.   Why God?  WHY!?

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight not a footprint to be seen.  A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.  Feeling isolated and alone at this point. .. I'm asking the same questions that I'm confident many others including Job had to have asked.  Why me?

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside couldn't keep it in - heaven knows I tried.  Don't let them in - don't let them see - be the good girl you always have to be.  Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know... Well now they know.

So what now?   You know some of my chaos.   I'm not interested in a pity party. .. been doing that pretty good all on my own.  What is my point here?   Maybe I don't even know at this point.  One thing is for sure.  I know what pain is.   I know what grieving can do.   I know what happens when you hold stuff inside and don't let things go.

Did you know that you can grieve for things other than death?   Things like loss of a job.   Friendships ending.   House burning down.   Loss of a limb.   Church splits.  Loss of comfort due to pain from an injury or accident.   Loss of childhood due to a dysfunctional home.  Miscarriage or abortion (men AND women grieve this)  Finding out you have a disease... even a cancer diagnosis.

Grief is serious business.   You have to process thru it in your own way. .. but you HAVE to process through it.   Pushing it down and trying to forget about it - is simply not good enough.   What you are doing is burying the pain.   My friend...pain is something that is living.   So what you are burying... is alive.  It will rear it's ugly head when you least expect it.   Especially if you bury multiple things...over many years.  Like the zombie epocolypse... things start becoming unearthed - all at once.   This phenomenon comes in different manners for everyone.  Some people deal with anxiety and panic attacks.   Some people can actually become deathly ill.   Stress causes things from headaches and some allergies... to even some types of cancers.   I had no idea that accumulated stress could be so damaging to the physical body.

Prolonged stress can cause actual damage to each and every system in your body.

Circulatory System: blood pressure increases. Hypertension. Angina. Stroke. Aneurysm.

Immune System: cancer, asthma, bronchial issues, type 1 diabetes, fibromyalgia, fatigue, depression.

Central Nervous System: chemical imbalances in the brain, depression, phobias, panic attacks, foggy thinking, creativity and memory loss.

Digestive System: desire for comfort food, disruption of digestive process, constipation, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, abdominal cramping, ulcers, leaky gut syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome.

Other complications can include reproductive organ damage like fertility problems growth hormones, stunted or abnormal growth, chronic pain like muscular atrophy, skeletal weakness like osteoporosis, virus invading cells like arthritis and viral infections.

Do you see what can be caused from stress?   This list isn't even complete!   There might be something you think you forgot about a long time ago.   A trauma or event that you might not realize that you buried...alive...remember the zombies?  Have you dealt with everything you have gone thru?   Are you constantly burying things - instead of dealing with it and moving forward?

Are you truly letting go?

It's time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right no wrong, no rules for me - I'm free. Let it go, let it go. I'm one with the wind and sky. Let it go, let it go, you'll never see me cry. Here I stand, and here I'll stay. Let the storm rage on - the cold never bothered me anyway.

Time to move forward.  To move on.  To finally...Let It Go!